


What Are They Up To?

by valda



Series: Sentence-Combining Fics [1]
Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Humor, Innuendo, M/M, Multi, Police Report
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-21
Updated: 2015-07-21
Packaged: 2018-04-10 11:27:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4390055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/valda/pseuds/valda
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Sheriff's Secret Police report regarding a terrifying incident that took place at the Palmer/The Scientist/Harlan household.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Are They Up To?

**Author's Note:**

> This was written to combine eight sentences submitted to me on Tumblr. Credits at the end.

The incident report was pretty standard, all told. Across the top in bold letters were the words “INCIDENT REPORT, NIGHT VALE SHERIFF’S SECRET POLICE.” Below that was the case number (“UNKNOWABLE”), the date (a puce-colored smudge), the reporting officer (a series of runes that, when viewed, gave the viewer infinite knowledge in an infinitesimal moment, then reclaimed that knowledge along with much of the viewer’s _other_ knowledge), and the name of the person who had prepared the report (“Mavis Castleberry”). In the Incident Classification section, Mavis had checked the box next to “Temporary Distortion of Reality” and added the note, “All involved parties were Homo sapiens.”

After that administrative data came a series of witness interviews, the first of which was labeled “Janice Rio, from down the street.”

“I don’t know what they get up to all the time,” Ms. Rio had apparently said to the reporting officer, who had then provided the interview to Mavis, who had transcribed it. “It’s terrifying, the noises you hear out of that house. I’m surprised they haven’t summoned Armageddon by now, what with all that wailing. But you get used to it. You can get used to lots of things. Last night was different, though. I sort of knew it would be. I passed them on my way home and heard them talking. Cecil said—and I know it was Cecil, everyone knows that voice—he said, ‘I am a-quiver with anticipation.’ And then one of the other two, I think it was Harlan, said, 'Well, I’m glad someone is.’ That just sounds foreboding, you know? So I kept walking. And sure enough, it happened later that night.”

At this point the incident report moved abruptly on to the next witness, “Larry Leroy, out on the edge of town.”

“Sure, they came by the other day,” Mr. Leroy was recorded as saying. “Said they were planning a standard household ritual and wanted advice on the garb. Earl was a little hesitant, kept asking questions like 'Does it have to be _that_ shade of pink?’ It seemed like he wasn’t as excited about it as the other two. Cecil and Carlos, though, they were all over the place. They’re so enthusiastic about everything. It’s nice. Kind of refreshing.”

“I got a call from Mr. Harlan the day before it happened,” the next witness statement began. This one was labeled “Tamika Flynn.” “I was about to head out on another book drive,” the report continued, “and he asked if he could come. He’s not part of the book club, but that wouldn’t have really mattered I guess. It’s just that Cecil already called me and asked me not to let Mr. Harlan go. So I told him no. And then Mr. Harlan said, 'But I want to join the expedition too!’ He seriously said that. He sounded like a kid who hasn’t made it through a decent summer reading program. I was kind of embarrassed for him.”

The next witness, Teddy Williams of the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex, indicated that the subjects had been conspiring together the day after league night in the back of the bowling area near the lockers. “I never _really_ trusted Cecil, I mean, you can’t trust anybody, right? And that Carlos called me 'deranged’! But Earl Harlan, he always seemed to have a head on his shoulders that was liable to stick around awhile. And he was standing there with his arms crossed like whatever they were chattering about was ridiculous. I happened by on my way to the back room and Carlos was talking. 'No,’ he said, 'if we use the ice cream as a base, it’ll be structurally unsound.’ Does he even _have_ architecture credentials? Wasn’t he the one who didn’t know clock towers are invisible and can teleport? A base for what, I don’t know. They shut up real quick when they saw me.”

The subsequent witness report was slightly horrifying. It appeared to have been etched onto the form with a jagged fingernail by someone other than Mavis; the handwriting was completely different. In the spot for the witness’ name, the words “I am always with you” had been scrawled in that same hand.

“Nothing happened. It was a normal day. They came home from work and ate dinner. Then they did the do. By which I mean the Scooby Dooby Doo. By which I mean they danced to the Scooby Doo theme song for about three quarters of an hour until they got tired and turned on Uptown Funk. Now leave them alone or I will send these caterpillars I’ve trained to devour all your pockets.”

Following the witness testimonies was a brief report from the sheriff’s secret policeperson who’d been on duty at the subjects’ home on the night in question—the reporting officer named at the top of the form.

“Harlan put on a dark pink body stocking. The scientist started hooking him up to blinking, flashing equipment. Palmer settled into the Grade 8 astral projection start position. At that point I lost visual contact, not only with the subjects but with _everything_. It was all dark and I was alone in the universe. I heard Palmer say, 'Uh oh. That… That wasn’t supposed to do that. Oh…’ And I woke up three hours later.”

~

“Cecil, you need to lie down and rest,” Carlos said.

“No,” Cecil stressed in a strained voice, “not until I know everything’s all right.” His face was practically grey, eyes sunken, body giving over intermittently to minor trembling. Carlos fretted, hovering around him, seemingly willing him to agree to go to bed. But Cecil was having none of it. “Earl?” he asked.

Earl scanned the report one more time, then raised his eyes to Cecil’s. “It looks like—it’s fine,” he said, not sure if he felt relieved or not. He knew he was no longer angry—he couldn’t bring himself to feel that emotion now even if he wanted to, not with the way Cecil looked, not with the shame and fear in his eyes. “I don’t think anyone figured out what we were actually doing. We’re—we’re fine.” He paused. “Though I think I underestimated how much the Faceless Old Woman likes Carlos. Thanks, Faceless Old Woman.”

A response came by way of a deafening, lingering crash as all the china in the kitchen cabinets found its way to the floor.

Earl sighed and resolved to keep his mouth shut next time. He set the incident report aside on the coffee table and crossed the living room to offer Cecil his shoulder. “Now come on. Carlos is right. It’s time to get you to bed. For _sleeping_ this time.”

It was a testament to just how elaborate and draining the ancient mating ritual had been that Cecil made no comment.

**Author's Note:**

> Here are the submitted sentences. Did you spot them?
> 
> “All involved parties were homosapiens.” was from debdeb-debdeb, which gave me the idea to start the story as a report. (I had considered writing an SSP incident report fic before.)
> 
> “I am a-quiver with anticipation.” “Well, I’m glad someone is.” came from generalcupcakery, which I could not imagine coming out of anyone else’s mouths but Cecil’s and Earl’s.
> 
> “Does it have to be THAT shade of pink?” came from whokilledcecilpalmer, and really, I had the most trouble with this…because I couldn’t imagine Cecil or even Carlos caring if something was pink. So it had to be Earl, and even then I felt that whatever was pink had to be something absolutely ridiculous.
> 
> “But I want to join the expedition too!” was probably my most awkward sentence…thanks, longhairshortfuse.
> 
> An anon is responsible for “No,” he said, “If we use the ice cream as a base, it’ll be structurally unsound.” I had to wrestle with this one a little as well.
> 
> therealraewest, I had no idea what the fuck I was going to do with “Then they did the do, by which I mean the scooby dooby do, by which I mean they danced to the scooby do theme song for about three quarters of an hour until they got tired and turned on Uptown Funk.” But I actually really had fun with it!
> 
> By the end of the story, typehere452‘s “Uh oh. That… That wasn’t supposed to do that. Oh…” was just sort of natural.
> 
> “Cecil, you need to lie down and rest” from an anon caps things off.
> 
> This was a hell of a lot of fun. I’ll have to do it again sometime :D


End file.
